on being snarky

Dear Pap,

I’m in the throws of trying to deny my own snarky impulses.  What is it that makes me want to be so snarky?  And why such a strong need to rise above them?  After all, I think I might feel better if I was just a little snarky.  Maybe only for a moment.  Then I’ll go all enlightened and see the interconnectedness of all of humanity, and I will know that in being snarky towards my semi-ex-douchebag-boyfriend, I will have really been snarky to everyone.  And I’d really rather be enlightened than snarky when it comes down to it.

The problem is that I try to skip over snarky entirely and try to go straight to enlightened, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  And what I’m finding is that this doesn’t really work.  So where’s the happy medium?  Where’s the compromise?

I know the Douche may be reading this someday, either as a reinstated boyfriend, lover, or one day partner.  Or as a permanently retired memory of yet-another-failed-relationship.  In any case, let me just add the caveat that he’s not *always* a douche.  Au contraire.  He is really quite lovely much of the time.  He can be kind and gentle and he’s fun and funny and handsome.

But for today, I’m feeling douche more than I’m feeling any of those things.

So here goes.  I’m going to let my inner snark fly.

Dear Douche, everyone – everyone – thinks it’s really kind of weird, if not appalling, that you have now repeatedly sat me down to explain to me that I’m not now, nor will I ever be, first on your list of priorities.  Yes, yes, I understand that your relationship with God and your work will always come before me. But really.  Why do you feel the need to say this? And why do you think it’s okay to say this out loud, repeatedly? And more importantly – what do you expect me to say in response?  What outcome are you really expecting here?  Really?

And another thing, Douche, thank you for sharing that you think it would be “good for me” to sign up for the month long special at Decatur Hot Yoga because yoga makes you feel connected to the world.  Because you seem so connected.  Not.  Well you know what I think would be good for you?  THERAPY.  Lots and lots of THERAPY.

Ahhhh.  I feel so much better.  Lightened at least, if not enlightened.

Love and peace to the world,


One response to “on being snarky

  • lojeha

    Hmmm…Appalling for true cher. Hard to imagine keeping a straight face really, hearing I’d been ranked third on someone’s priorities list. How does one feel sincerity towards a list of priorities anyway? It’s smug and robotic. Operator? Information? Get a human on the line, there’s been a shameful disconnection, I’d say.

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